Maintaining Female Desire in Long-Term Relationships - A Primer For Men
Sadly, many men are involuntarily celibate in their own marriages. They often are at a loss about what happened to their sex life. The wife is completely oblivious to his need for sex, for she lost her desire. (There are also women who are unhappy with a sexless marriage, but this post is for the men.)
The husband has a few ways of dealing with his sexless marriage. If there are others I left out, please let me know.
resentfully put up with it
beg her for sex by reasoning with her
manipulate her for sex by doing chores or other favors
accept duty sex, pity sex, starfish sex (“hurry up, hurry up”)
hire a sex worker (massage or full service)
turn to porn
force himself on her aka rape
suggest couples therapy (she won’t go)
suppress his feelings about it
Let’s talk about his feelings. Naturally the husband feels frustrated, helpless, angry, sad, rejected, confused. Did I mention resentful, hurt, unloved? He often still loves his wife. He misses the closeness, playfulness, and his own sexual expression. Sexless marriages feel lonely, emotionally painful, and infuriating. Maybe you feel helpless and don’t know what to do. Unless your wife is ill or a new mom, a couple will enjoy each other sexually as part of their relationship. I talk about feelings repeatedly here because I think that sadly, men don’t allow themselves to have feelings about this situation.
His attempts to improve the sexual aspect of his relationship are met with cold silence or arguments.
Here are some ideas to help you figure out what could be causing her lost interest.
Women have more requirements for arousal than men do. These requirements go beyond the hormones, and that’s why nobody has every invented a female Viagra and they never will.
Male arousal
Men are easily aroused. It just takes a photo of a naked woman, a bouncing ponytail, or a lady at the office in a nice skirt.
A man may want to bang a “10”, but will bang a “4”. Rail and bail, pump and dump, is not out of the ordinary. He has that need to release and he isn’t that picky.
This ends our section on male arousal. The rest of this blog post is about the complex, mysterious female arousal.
Women are more selective with mating
Women are selective, and I am not speaking of height or money or six pack abs. It’s much deeper than that. For example, studies have shown that women are attracted to the scent samples of men whose DNA differs most from theirs (except when pregnant they prefer scents of men whose DNA is more similar to theirs).
There are many “brakes” for female arousal ie turnoffs. Do you smell good or do you have bad breath? Do you walk around in old clothes in the house (not sexy, guys!) or do you look decent. Do you poop in front of her? Do you have annoying habits like snoring, eating with your mouth open, etc.
I’m not saying any of this is wrong to do, for you deserve to be comfortable in your own home. But biology isn’t fair. Don’t get mad at me. I'm just explaining it.
Women must feel safe and relaxed to feel pleasure
Women must feel safe and relaxed to feel pleasure. Our amygdala is between our clitoris and the pleasure center of our brain, so any interruptions or distractions or worries on the way to orgasm will eliminate the orgasm entirely. Our amygdala must shut off to climax (not required for men).
Women stressed with the demands of daily life do not want sex. That’s why I recommend husbands take their wives away for a weekend, away from the kids, so her busy brain (women’s brains are more active naturally) can unwind and she can feel her pleasure.
You’re bad in bed
Are you good in bed? That may have been irrelevant when it was all new, but now it does matter.
When she first met you, her attraction to you overcame the bad sex. This was my experience in my marriage of 25 years. But after a few years, I resorted to duty sex and started needing lube.
Are you too quick, gropey, or rough? Many men copy the porn style of sex: quick, rough, performance-oriented, and go right for the orgasm. This is the opposite of what women need and want. In bed, she needs a man who is patient and unhurried, so she can relax and find her pleasure.
Do you understand female anatomy? Did you know the clitoris is FOUR INCHES long and internal? The glans of the clitoris, the button, is the only external part of our clitoris. Are you ignoring her four inches of clitoris, her sensitive cervix and internal erectile tissues and going straight for the very sensitive glans? That’s really a turnoff guys! It’s gropey.
Are you boring in bed? Are you doing it the same way everytime in bed? This works for men, but not for women. It is a well known fact that women get easily bored in bed.
The reason she isn’t telling you all this, is she doesn’t know. She just knows she doesn’t want sex with you. She may even have shut down her libido entirely, just to have it awaken when a new interesting man comes along. The good news is - you can be an interesting man!
New relationship energy wore off - her low baseline libido is now obvious
Some women have a low libido, either because they have sexual shame, or they were sexually abused as children (although the latter can also be hypersexual). These women will want a lot of sex in a new relationship, because they’re turned on by the new man (you). After a few years, when the newness wears off, she is back to her baseline desire.
Does your wife masturbate?
I recommend men ask a new partner how often she masturbates. This lets you know her baseline desire, which is where she will return in your long term relationship.
The Pill interferes with her natural selection signals
The pill artificially keeps female estrogen low, interfering with her natural selection process. Women on the pill choose men based on love, not sexual attraction.
Research from as far back as 2008 shows that women on the pill select for less masculine men. After going off the pill, women suddenly find the scent and even the touch of their husbands repulsive.
It is best to use non-hormonal birth control. I used the pill briefly in college. When I met my husband, I was using a diaphragm. We used natural family planning to prevent and plan pregnancies during our marriage. It worked, and made me feel more connected to my body.
You stopped courting her
Do you only touch her when you want sex, and ignore her the rest of the time? Have you stopped holding her hand, asking her on dates, planning dates, or telling her she is beautiful? Being good in bed starts in the morning, or the day before. A woman needs to have her arousal fire lit, starting the day before or in the morning, by touch, eye gazing, flirting words of appreciation.
This isn’t about fairness, it’s about biology and what works. If she has to plan all the events, it’s not sexy or arousing. She’ll just be resentful that you’ll be expecting sex later, after she did all the planning.
“Bring home a rose. Make the restaurant reservation. Tidy the bedroom. Light the candle.” - from Vagina p. 285
She is mad at you (relationship issues)
How a woman feels about you and the relationship matters! Is she angry about the kitchen remodel disagreement, or how you’re parenting the kids? Is she mad because you avoid important discussions or ignore her? Women don’t want sex with men they’re angry with. Take the lead and deal with unresolved issues.
Her mental or physical health is impaired
How a woman FEELS impacts her libido. If she is anxious, depressed, feeling ugly from gaining weight, or recovering/undergoing surgery or a major illness, she will not be in the mood for sex. Perhaps she is taking medications for her anxiety or depression (bad idea for most people - therapy is the way to go, get someone experienced in hypnotherapy or somatic therapy and inner child healing).
Menopause does not lead to low libido in healthy women. Ayurveda has more information on that. I read an article a while back that the adrenal glands in overworked women are exhausted and do not produce testosterone anymore so menopause brings to light the imbalance that was there all along. It is not good for women to compete in the workplace. Competition is good for men, cooperation is better for women.
I am 61 and have a healthy libido, I don’t use lube for intercourse, and I don’t take any hormones. I have always kept my life low stress. Just one data point, I know.
She is overworked, stressed, or tired from young children
Tired, stressed women are not in the mood for sex. (Men use sex to unwind from stress, so they’re the opposite).
For young moms, this lower libido is temporary and understandable. Her lower libido could be nature’s way of ensuring sufficient spacing between offspring. New fathers, as a result of breathing the scent of baby’s scalp, have lower testosterone. Nature works beautifully.
As a young mom, I did not want sex, because I was tired and I was touched out from nursing and caring for babies/toddlers all day. That only lasted a year or two.
I recommend going for regular date nights (get grandparents to watch the kids if you can), or weekends away.
Nice Guys aka People Pleasers Repulse Women or “The Friend Zoned Husband”
Women must feel attracted to a man.
Love does not cause attraction.
Love does not cause desire.
Love does not cause arousal.
Your wife may love you while having zero desire to fuck you or even be touched by you. You’re a good friend, ie you are friend zoned.
Many married men make the mistake of being a people pleaser, which is very repulsive for women. These men beg for sex, manipulate by doing chores hoping to get sex, let themselves go by being boring or getting fat. While a man may want sex with a woman who does all that, these things shut down a woman’s desire.
The good news is that all the things that make you a better man, are the things that make your woman attracted to you. If you get to the point where other women are attracted to you, your wife will notice, and she will be too.
If you start working out, become interesting, and get a backbone, and she still isn’t interested, I recommend therapy. If she won’t go, go by yourself. You may decide, as I did, that divorce is the only option.
I highly recommend these books:
The Dead Bedroom Fix by D.S.O.
Real Sex by Mike Lousada and Louise Mazanti PhD
Vagina by Naomi Wolf
Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston